Take My Breath Away...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!  As I write this note, I'm listening to one of my new CD's that my Mom & Dad got me for Christmas called: 80s Party Hits.  The song that is playing is one of my all time favorites but it is funny... I hadn't thought about it in a long time.  It's called Take My Breath Away by Berlin.  I'm a sucker for love songs... especially 80s love songs.  My mind will often take flight and from that, a story will emerge that I will eventually attempt to put into print.  The funny thing is that my mind isn't going to an imaginary story today as I listen. It is different somehow.  I thought, well that's interesting.  So I went and found the lyrics online.  They are:

Watching every motion
In my foolish lover's game
On this endless ocean
Finally lovers know no shame
Turning and returning
To some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion
As you turn around and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Watching I keep waiting
Still anticipating love
Never hesitating
To become the fated ones
Turning and returning
To some secret place to hide
Watching in slow motion
As you turn to me and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Through the hourglass I saw you
In time you slipped away
When the mirror crashed I called you
And turned to hear you say
If only for today
I am unafraid

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Watching every motion
In this foolish lover's game
Haunted by the notion
Somewhere there's a love in flames
Turning and returning
To some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion
As you turn my way and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away 

This has been a different sort of Christmas it seems.  Everyone seems so much more joyful.  People's minds and hearts seem to not be so self-centered (with a few notable exceptions - you can't escape the Bah Humbugers of the world).  It seems that more and more people are turning towards the true meaning of Christmas.  Something that I noted is that those that are the most like Ebeneezer Scrooge are also the ones that display signs of inner anger and turmoil with the world at large.  Yet the vast majority I have seen are embracing this season like none before.  I thought it was interesting that Halloween this year wasn't as "pumped up" as previous years yet Christmas this year seems to be meaning so much more to so many people.  It is heart warming to say the least.

Another thing that has really touched my heart is one of my oldest friends, Kari.  She has changed so much and so quickly!  I can remember a time when she didn't want me to say anything about Jesus.  Yet now, she is definitely in love with Jesus and her postings on Facebook are so Spirit filled that I almost cry to see the beautiful transformation.  God has answered my prayers in her and it has done something very special for me.  My heart is overflowed!

The Lord has been doing a lot of amazing things for me this Christmas season.  Most Christmas seasons, the focus for me is Reno.  Getting him this and that (dropping a fortune usually - I'm weak where he's concerned). Yet this year, I bought his gift in August and didn't even think about him again.  My heart was centered on my beautiful Mother.  I know that I haven't done enough for her through the years.  It grieves my heart to know that I've been rather self-centered where she is concerned.  I've taken for granted that she'll always be there.  Maybe we all do with our parents to some degree.  Perhaps it is because I'm getting older... I'll be 34 in March... that I really had a heaviness on my heart to make my mom feel like the royalty that she is!  The first thing I found was a beautiful crocodile purse from New York.  She's been needing a decent purse for years. What she has been using just hasn't been practical.  I was blessed that we have a store here in town with a lady that flies out to New York and procures purses & jewelry from New York.  When I went in there and seen this brown, crocodile purse... I knew it was the right one.  Yet not even an hour later, the thought of a stuffed tiger came into my my so strong that I E-bayed through my phone to see if there even was one.

When my mom was little, her big brother Joe & his wife Sue, bought her a stuffed Tiger for Christmas.  My Mom had this tiger all through my adolescence and even years beyond.  She loved that tiger, even though it was falling apart.  She loved it so much that she thought she had come to love it too much.  So she did the hardest thing ever, she threw it away.  It hurt her deeply to do it but she did it out of the love of Jesus.  Well about a month ago, we were watching Toy Story 3 and she said at one point, "Oh my Tiger."  I know this might sound silly but I went through sort of the same thing last year over a Pegasus that I had as a child. I found it on E-bay and that was my gift from my parents last year.  Well the reminder of her desire to have her tiger came back upon me and would not go away.  I searched for 1950's tigers & 1960's tigers on E-bay with no luck at all.  Then as if someone (the Holy Spirit obviously) whispered into my ear as I was sitting at the computer at home the words "Vintage Tiger" went through my mind.  I typed that into E-bay and the only tiger that popped up was an EXACT tiger to the one she had.  God made the ultimate arrangement.  I put in my max amount and submitted the bid.  NO ONE ELSE BID ON THAT TIGER!!  Not only that, I paid on a Saturday for the Tiger, they shipped it this last Monday and it was here on Wednesday!! Just in time for Christmas!!  It was a Christmas Miracle!!

When Mom opened that present today with the Tiger sitting inside the purse, she started crying like I haven't seen her cry in many, many years.  She held onto that tiger in a death grip and cried. It meant so very much to her and I know that she will always cherish and love that gift.  The gift that our Lord Jesus gave her.  I was just the instrument.  It was like a redeeming moment.  He was telling her, you loved me over your possession and now I am giving it back to you as a love gift.  How awesome and wonderful our Lord is!  I honestly feel like crying myself with the joy of it all and I'm something of a "tough one" when it comes to crying! ha.

I did have some melancholy this season as another year has gone by without having a family of my own but the Lord has been good and He soothed my heart.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing something He's telling me but the only definitive thing He has told me over and over and over again is WAIT.  So... I wait.  What more can I do?  I have to follow what He says not what my flesh would say.

So those are my thoughts.  New Years Eve is coming up and we're going to have a large celebration here at our house.  That should be fun.  So in case I do not get another chance to say this before then, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  2011 come on down!!!

Blessings and Rainbows...

Beautiful South West Iowa taken just outside Clarinda

I have been very busy the last couple of weeks.  On November 15th I began my new position as a Judicial Clerk at the courthouse.  I have to admit, the first few days I was thinking... "Wow, what have I got myself into now!"  Despite this, I have had a great amount of peace upon me since I started working here.  I can honestly almost see myself retiring from this position. BUT, I know that the Lord doesn't always go along with what WE think and I'm always open to what the Lord has for me.  Another thing that has been keeping me busy has been my college work.  I've not been giving it as much time as I should so the last several assignments have been midnight matinees for me!  The Lord has been gracious though and has seen me through some tough spots!!  Then there is our church's Christmas play: Christmas Came One Night.  Now that we are in the last couple of weeks (our play is next Friday-Sunday) rehearsals are on Mon, Tues & Thurs.  I absolutely LOVE the rehearsals and will definitely miss them when they're over but I am cramming everything right now.... so things have been hectic!!  This play has done some amazing things... Most of all, bringing me closer to my church family which is wonderful!!

The other day at work I was looking out the window as I was coming down the stairs from the second floor.  For years I have longed and longed to go back to Texas... or at least in that general area.  Yet in that moment, all that desire went away and I fell in love with Clarinda.  For the first time in my life, I felt as if I had finally found my home.  I love this beautiful little town.  I remember one man once describing downtown like the set from Back to the Future.  He's right, it is quaint like that and the courthouse does look like the clock tower in the movie.  Clarinda is the kind of place you want to raise a family.  Yes, it is very cold in the winter and it snows and snows and snows... However, all the other seasons are here in equality.  Yes it is cold but it is also hot in the summer, warm in the spring and cool in the fall.  The leaves fall down in a spectacular display of color as summer transitions to winter.  Then in the spring when everything begins to come alive again, there is a dazzling array of flowers.  In the summer, beautiful cannot even begin to describe this land.

Clarinda is just small enough to give you that "small town feeling" but also just big enough that you see new faces all the time.  In the summer, we have the Glenn Miller Festival.  They play swing music downtown at the square and have all kinds of exciting events during this period.  People from around the world come into this little town in Southwest Iowa just to partake in the festivities.

When I looked out that window the other day... I suddenly realized how blessed I have been to be in Clarinda and how this was my home!


Then you have my fellowship.  I have been around in churches.  I've seen everything under the sun, both in this community and others.  Yet this church was the first church I've been in where there was not just a few people filled with joy sprinkled about but the MAJORITY of the people are filled with the Joy of the Lord.  It was something I have been craving for a long time now.  That joy and I'm only just now beginning to have joy in my heart and life again.

I didn't realize it but I have been in the equivalent of a dark well for a very long time.  My own self-loathing was partially to blame.  I would stand in front of the mirror for a long period of time and criticize myself and how I looked.  I found myself to be some kind of hideous monster that would never and could never be loved by anyone but the Lord.  Hope was gone!  So... into an abyss I had plunged.

The Lord is so awesome.  I can attest to the fact that in those moments when I would curl up into a ball and just cry for long periods of time, He was right there with me- holding me in His strength.  It was those moments that I felt His presence the strongest when I was at my weakest.  Hating myself even as He poured out His love for me.  Oh what a beautiful and awesome God... friend... healer... comforter.  Words cannot even express what the Lord has come to mean to me with the passage of time.

Then about a month ago I'm sitting at church and my big brother in the Lord, Charley, leans forward from the pew behind me and gives me a big old bear hug and kissed the top of my head like father does their child.  He then told me, "Sis, you're wrong."  I was like... oh dear, now what have I done! ha.  He then said, "the other night you said 'if I ever get married' and I'm here to tell you that it is not an 'if' it is a when.  You need to go home, look at yourself in the mirror, and see yourself as I see you.  Ask the Lord to show you how He sees you.  You're beautiful, sis."  It pierced me.

So.... I did just that and the Lord... He showed me.  Not to be egotistical or anything but Charley is right.  I am beautiful.  For the first time in my life I believe it and you know what?  I've started seeing amazing changes in WHO I am as I am now crawling out of the well and into the light. I am confident and assured.  I do not feel as if I'm "putting on a show" for others to see a confident woman (as I've done for years) but instead, I honestly feel it.  I believe it and I know that one day... somehow, someway... even though it looks impossible because quite frankly there aren't any single CHRISTIAN men in my age bracket in the area that genuinely have a love for the Lord.... I know that despite all that that the Lord will bring that man from somewhere over the rainbow.

I know that the Lord will bring him here because He would not have put this love for Clarinda in my hard heart if this was not where He wanted me to be.  I don't know how or when or even how but I know that Jesus will do this very thing.  That He will fulfill the many promises that He has spoken forth to me through the Word, His servants, and even in visions and dreams.

Jesus bless you all my friends and if you too are struggling with what I have... cry out to the Lord to show you just how beautiful you are too.  My love to you all!

Cross in the Sky over Iowa

Sarah's Top Ten

These are the top 10 things that I am thankful for this year!

10.  My relationship status.  This time last year I was in a relationship that wasn't good for me or for him.  I am thankful this year that the Lord intervened and has set me on a new path.  I am much happier now.  I still hope for that man that the Lord has promised me but I'm content where I am for the first time ever.  Actually, a lot of times I think I'm better off!! ha.

9.  My new job.  While I enjoyed my previous position at CCF, I am much more at ease in my new position.  It is a struggle sometimes when I'm trying to remember everything but there is such an opportunity for advancement where I am at.  As I was sitting there the other day, it struck me that I could really see myself working there until I retired - God willing!

8.  My new home town, Clarinda!  I have for years now been moping because I love my Texas so very much.  Yet the Lord has never allowed me to go back or to stay there.  Well the other day, it struck me how much I love Clarinda and Iowa now. Yes the winters are horrible but at the same time, it is nice to always have a White Christmas.  We also actually have every season of the year here.  Plus Clarinda is the type of town that you WANT to raise a family in.  Unlike myself, I want any children I will have in the future to have roots in a town and I realized only recently that Clarinda is where I want to raise a family.

7.  Facebook.  Okay, I know.  It seems funny to say that but you know what?  Facebook has brought me back into communication with people I haven't seen or talked to in ages!  I have friends on here that were my friends in Kindergarten!  As many times as I have moved through the years (and been like a hobo most my life) it is nice to be able to reconnect with all the people that I have loved and cared for in my life.  Facebook has done just that and for that, I am thankful for it!

6.  My church, Hillside Missionary Church.  I have been to several churches since I was saved in 2004.  They've all had their ups (good teaching, friends, activities, etc.) and their downs (legalism, unloving attitudes, self-righteousness) but it wasn't until I came to Hillside that I finally found a good rounding to what is most important.  Great teaching coupled with works outward into the community with a joyful Spirit upon the congregation and especially the Pastor.  Most importantly that love for everyone that Christ commanded us as believers to share.

4.  My dachshunds: Jeremiah, Sadie & my grandbabies Ariel, Pepper & Brutus.  They have brought so much joy into my life that I cannot even begin to describe how much I love them.  At night, Jeremiah & Sadie are right there with me. Granted Jeremiah waits until I'm asleep or almost asleep before he snuggles up next to me but it is such a comfort to have them there with me.  When I come home, nothing warms my heart quite as much as their enthusiastic greeting of love.

5.  My friends.  What can I say, I have the greatest group of friends a person could ever want!  I have people who love me and care for me just as I am in all my ways... even the weird ones!  We laugh together, we cry together, we lift each other up and most of all we love one another.  All my friends are the greatest gift I could ever have wanted and I thank Jesus for each and every one of you!  Tawnya, Tuesday, Tammy, Linda, Arlinda, James, and Charley.  You guys are such a wonderful blessing to me.  You are the sisters and big brothers that I've always wanted.  I cannot imagine a world without you guys and I am always praying that nothing ever hurts this special bond that we share!  I love you guys now and always!

3.  My family.  What a blessing I have to have such a large family.  I count not only my blood relation but also my extended family in Jesus.  The Lord smiled so much upon me when He put me into such a blessed family.  I take great joy especially for Reno.  He's such a special little guy for me.  I love him more than words can ever say.

2.  My Salvation & The Word.  Without the covering blood of Jesus, I would be nothing.  The Word guides me and shapes me.  It leads me in the paths of Righteousness. It ministers to me and keeps me.  Without it, I would be totally lost and doing only what is "right in my OWN eyes" rather than what is right in God's eyes.  Without my salvation, I would be hell bound.

1.  Father Abba God, Jesus Christ the son, and the blessed Holy Spirit.  Without them life would be meaningless.

Sherlock Holmes... A New Generation

Yesterday I was at the store and saw the game Clue.  We used to have the game but a while back, we got rid of it along with a number of other old games that were cluttering up our upstairs.  Reno was still too young to enjoy it at the time and my mom & I did not play it as you have to have 3 players to do so.  So while I was patrolling Alco looking for a birthday present for one of my best friend's children, I thought... wouldn't that be fun?

Reno has recently been getting more and more interested in mysteries, especially those of Sherlock Holmes.  He has such an inquisitive mind that I knew if I could get him hooked into that sort of thing that he would absolutely love it.  I had no idea what I might have started!  We've watched various detective movies in the past but it was not until we watched the new Sherlock Holmes movie starring Robert Downy Jr. & Jude Law that his interest was definitely caught!  It was a fantastic movie.  Reno was intrigued previously with who Sherlock Holmes was and why various sports announcers had called him Sherlock Holmes.  With a last name like Holmes, it's almost inevitable! ha.  Any ways, I digress.  We watched this movie and it lit something up in him.  He absolutely loved it!  Well recently we watched another movie called Young Sherlock Holmes, which he also enjoyed.  It was also a pretty good movie.  The whole crime fighting and solving cases things is intriguing to him.  He had recently expressed interest in the game of Clue and as I stood in the store looking at it, I thought, why not? All the boardgames were on sale and I figured I wouldn't be able to get it any cheaper.  So I picked it up and later that night we played three rounds.

I might have created a monster.  Reno, on his score key, changed his name from Reno to Sherlock.  He also displayed some brilliance as we played.  I do not know how he knew but I would show mom a card, well out of sight from the lad, and he would KNOW instantly what card I had shown.  The same was true when mom showed me her card!  My mom solved two cases but Reno beat her to the pool both those times and got the credit.  It was amazing.  I do have to admit, the way his mind was working last night, he has some talent in the field.  I have to wonder if one day he might be a criminal investigator of some nature.

Or perhaps he'll just enjoy reading mysteries like Sherlock Holmes, playing Clue, and just enjoying the adventure of reasoning out "who did it".  In either case, it was fun playing last night.  We all had a great time and really enjoy the new version of Clue.  It is always such a blessing to spend time with family!

Set your phasers to stun!!!!

For those that have been wondering as to the rather vague notion to open doorways, I now can speak with full disclosure.  An opportunity to work as a Judicial Clerk at the Page County courthouse opened.  I had an interview the Thursday following the "Open Doors" posting. I interviewed and to be honest, I thought I had tanked it.  Some of the questions I was asked I did not expect to be asked.  A lot of "what if" and while I thought I had tanked the questions entirely, apparently I answered them well!  The following week, she began calling all my references which included my current boss and several co-workers.  Needless to say, the cat was literally "out of the bag"!  One co-worker, Dave, came into my office and said that if I was given the job that he would throw himself at my legs and grovel.  "Who else am I going to talk Star Trek with out here?" he cried.  I will miss Dave, he was a lot of fun.  It's not often you meet someone that loves Star Trek the way I do.  Any ways, back to the story. Last Tuesday, I was offered the position but she said that it had to go through her supervisor first along with a background check before I officially had the position.  She said I would hear from them in a few days.  Well a few days lasted a week!

Today I received the phone call from her that I had passed all the last checks and was approved by the supervisor.  She offered the job once more and I took it.  I then had to fill out a resignation for my current position.  I started feeling weepy as I did this.  While I won't miss necessarily going through those gates or knowing rather extensively the darkness in the hearts of man, I will miss many of my co-workers, especially those in the Education Department.  They're a great group of gals and that lone guy, Dave.  It's not easy making change.  I was thinking about how I'm going to have to start all over again building my reputation at this new place of employment.  However, I enjoy a challenge and I know it will be a challenge.  It sounds like the courthouse is in a season of transition, so this should be an interesting experience ahead.  With the help of Jesus, I can do all things!

This will change my life in about a million ways very soon....  To sum it up in true Star Trek form.... I will be exploring strange new worlds and seeking out a new life in new places... boldly going where I have never been before!!!

Open Doors

It is amazing to me how the Lord works sometimes.  It seems that when you're really looking hard for Him to move in some way that nothing seems to happen but the minute you are not looking or watching, something amazing happens!  That is the case today... Perhaps I will share what I mean at a later date but for now, I will hold my peace.

Lately I have been having a deep longing for a home of my own.  Now that my Dad has a job that works great for him and I'm no longer needed, it seems like I'm being forced out the door.

The ceiling in my room fell in on one corner a while back, seems as if Dad is grouchy almost every day and irritated with me, and my babies (God bless them) seem to be annoying everyone but me.  I've got a deep longing now to have my own place and my own space.  I need that.  I lived on my own for years and while I have been paying rent to my parents these last couple of years, I've never felt as if this was really my home.  There is some sadness for me, though, in this new desire.

When I packed up my apartment two or three years ago (I can't remember right now when I moved in!), I did not expect to leave my parents house until I was married.  So I carefully chose what to keep and what to chunk. All in mind that when I opened those boxes that would have everything a newly married couple needed in them, that I would be unpacking them with my new husband.  I could even envision this man looking in and laughing at this or that.  I really felt that living with my family would be training time in getting me ready to live with someone else after having been living alone for more than 10 years.

So it is sad for me now that I'm beginning to seriously think about leaving after all these years that this won't be the reality.  Yet... I do feel as if the time for major change is upon me.

Something else that struck me today is that I believe that I've finally put down roots in this community.  Now that I have two wonderful friends in Tuesday and Tawnya, I don't feel the need any longer to go chasing after some distant horizon.  I feel as if I should just stick around Clarinda indefinitely.  I was just telling Tuesday that when I think about the future, such as getting married or having children, I see her and Tawnya there sharing in those moments.  This was part of the message at the recent After 5 dinner I went to and I instantly thought of these two special ladies who are not just friends but also sisters.

So doors open... Others close... The Lord Jesus is in charge.  Praise be to the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit!



These photos are of me & Tawnya (white shirt) & Tuesday (red shirt).

I want to know what love is...

Okay, Okay.  I promise I'm not going to whine about my lack of a love life. I actually was just sitting here trying to think of what to write and this song is just stuck in my head! I want to know what love is video  One of my friends on facebook had posted it the other day and every so often it creeps back in.  Well I was searching for ringtones today on myexr.com (I totally recommend the site for free ringtones) and found it!  So, I set it for all unknown or unset incoming phone calls.

Today was a very good day.  It was my Friday for the week.  Tomorrow, I have about a million things that I have to do.  For those that do not know, I am skipping out on my family with my best friends, Tuesday & Tawnya.  We are going to Minnesota for the Understand the Times Conference in Eden Prairie, Minnesota.  So I am getting everything ready for this trip!

First I have to finish reading chapters 5 and 6 in my Intro to Policing book and then take the Unit 3 test.  Second, I have to do my laundry since I wore the three outfits I have chosen for the trip to work this week.  Two of them were new outfits and I absolutely could not resist the urge to wear them!  So... now I have to do laundry! ha.  Third, I need to pack and get everything rounded up.  I went to the grocery store today for "munchies", drinks and ice.  So I'm set there at least.

I'm really looking forward to this trip.  I was thinking about it today and this will be the first real vacation I've taken since I started working eons ago.  By saying that, I don't consider the various (somewhat local) conferences I've attended as being vacations as I was well within an hour or two from home.  This will also be the furthest North I've ever been in my life.  Prior to now, Chicago has held the title.  After the conference ends on Saturday, we're staying an additional day to go to Mall of America.  My only real plans for that location is to hit the book store and load up on Forensic Science and crime books! ha.

Plus...  

Just spending time with my two best friends.  A girls' weekend out!  These two ladies have become so near and dear to me.  They're not just my two best friends... they're also my sisters!!  It will be fun to get away without the distractions of home with them.  It will be a bonding experience for us all.  I need that. Sometimes I get really beat down emotionally but these two special ladies have a way of picking me up off the floor and helping me to get back where I need to be.  I can honestly say that of all the friendships I have had through the years, these two ladies have been the most strengthening friends I've ever had... I'm used to having to be the "strong" one but with these two friends.... I can lean on either one of them when I'm going through rough times....  I praise the Lord for that!

God has been so good to me and He is answering so many prayers right now.  I am excited to see what He brings next in my life....  Well, I am off to watch an episode of CSI and then scoot off to bed.  I think this will be an "Africa" night.  Good night all!!

Employee of the Quarter

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!!  I was notified that I am being awarded the non-security Employee of the Quarter at my place of work.  To be honest, I cannot believe that I am receiving this award.  I do not feel that I have done anything spectacular enough to earn it. I actually thought my cousin Sandie was playing some kind of prank on me and it was for that reason that it took until well after lunch before I showed my boss, Brenda, the card I had received.  I just could not fathom why I was receiving this award!  Of course, I'm tickled pink about it and wouldn't for a moment turn down the award. It just "staggers" my imagination!!  All glory to Jesus Christ for this one!  Any goodness someone has seen in me is completely from Him, I assure you!

I do not let people in on how I am feeling very often.  I think it has a lot to do with being single as long as I have been.  It is just more natural for me to work through my own thoughts and feelings.  Today some old questions and thoughts rolled through my mind as I worked through the tasks that I need to finish before tomorrow evening.  Sometimes, it would be nice to get clear cut answers but at the same time, I'm glad I do not know the answers because if the answer wasn't what I have hoped...  Well, no one likes to have their hopes dashed! ha.

My darling Sadie has become more and more clingy to me lately.  On Saturday morning, mom came in to let the dogs out so I could sleep in a little later.  Sadie refused to get out from under the covers, so mom had to leave her right where she was at.  Well, in Sadie tradition, she attacked me at 8:30 and woke me up.  She is so special to me.  Every day, she is getting more and more loving with me.  When I call for Jeremiah, she races to beat him and will get up on my chest so that he is relegated to the stomach section. ha.  I do not know why she has become so clingy but it brings warmth to my heart.  It is nice knowing that I am loved and having someone to love in return.

Dogs are a special gift from the Lord....

The Black Plague...

There has been a new monster in the house... sickness. If there is anything that annoys me more than anything else is getting sick, especially on a beautiful weekend!! I have been sick since Friday with the local bug that has taken out my best friend Tawnya & her two kids, my big brother in the Lord Charley, as well as my neighbor, Cindy. I'm sure there are others in the Clarinda area that have had it recently as well. I dislike being sick. There is just too much to do! I thought I would try to read my class assignments but my brain just wouldn't focus on it. I did get my Intro to Forensic Science quiz done but I have yet to sit down and get the post that is due tomorrow finished. I just haven't been able to concentrate. I am thankful for all the prayers I have received. I feel much better today than I have the last couple of days. I'm still dizzy, running a fever, among other things but it is much improved over yesterday and the days prior.  I'd write more but I'm really starting to wane thin again. Perhaps I can write more tonight. My love to all.

The Blob

Okay, okay… I know I haven’t been faithful in posting on this blog. Recently, my co-worker Marvis reminded me that it had been more than a week since I had posted my last entry. Marvis is a sweet lady and when you meet her, it would be hard to imagine that she works at a prison. One thing, though, she doesn’t let those guys that are in her class buffalo her. She might be sweet & gentle but she is tough when she needs to be.

Back to why I haven’t been writing on here. I honestly just haven’t had the time to sit down and do it. My world has become consumed with my college classes. Every spare moment has gone towards that, much to the consternation of my brother Reno. It seems I’m on the computer even more now than I ever was before. Yet… This has been an awesome experience so far! I’m finding that I thirst and love the knowledge I am receiving. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have got on the class page and been disappointed because there was nothing new to comment on!

I’ve been having a few problems with one of my instructors but by the whole, I have been really enjoying the class. It is challenging me. That is something that I have definitely been missing. My life had become mundane and repetitive. Nothing really “moved” me. This is making me focus and become more honed. Even my thinking has become sharper and clearer. It is almost like waking up from a long sleep. I absolutely love the subject materials as well. Of course, it seems like I’ve always been drawn to the legal system and “cop” shows.

When I sit down and consider why that is, I can only conclude it was because there wasn’t much “justice” done in my growing years. My mom was married to a man for sixteen years that for every intent and purpose was a criminal that never got caught.Through the years, I watched as he conned one person after another out of their money, including my grandmother. He used whomever he could to attain what he wanted, including us. I won’t even go into all the illegal activities he was involved in before he married my mother. He was an ex-Vietnam veteran that had gone overseas a clean-cut, good ol’ cowboy to return as a lunatic out for himself with a chip the size of Texas on his shoulder. He was extremely intelligent (brilliant really – his son, my brother, inherited that) but also cunning & brutal. He was highly abusive to my mother and mentally tortured all of us. It was like living in a glittery portion of hell growing up. To the outside world, we appeared to have everything. Money. Power. Anything we could we wanted, we got (except sanity.) What was not seen was the madness inside.

When I was saved, I was able to finally forgive him for everything he did. I even wrote him a letter once telling him that very thing. I also thanked him. While it was insane in that house, I did gain a whole lot of good things from the experience. First, I am 10 times smarter than I would have been had he not been an influence in my life. The fact of the matter is that if you didn’t run on 100% capacity with him, you were going to be eaten alive! Second, he was a great man of culture. He was always taking us to one museum, play, ballet, or other thing after another. We went all over Texas & Oklahoma for this event or that event. Third, I got to see more of the USA than a lot of people. Every spring & summer we would go to Galveston and/or Corpus Christi. It is here that I earned my love for the ocean. Fourth, I gained a great awareness of motives & observation. This has been a great asset since working in the prison system. It helps to understand what goes through the criminal mind. Fifth, I learned survival skills. If things go south, I know what I need to know to survive. Finally, sixth, I gained a great desire to see justice fulfilled.

The sixth reason is why I believe that I have always been drawn to the criminal field.It is my desire that justice be served. The reality is that justice is not always served.I do my part to add to that but with the fall of man and all our fallacies, injustice is just as much a part of living as justice. I can recognize that ultimately that it is God that measures out justice. If I was not to see that perspective, I could quickly become depressed by all the injustice that I see in the prison alone. Men that should have longer sentences are out in a matter of years while others that make one bad choice (and are not likely to ever repeat them again) are in here for hideously long sentences. It could make a person crazy. I have to wonder how those that do not have Christ within them and guiding them make it through the day without succumbing to depression.

Thank the Lord that in the end, He is in control of it all.

I can tell that the Lord is working in my life again. Humbling me further. I need that. I can be a very arrogant and conceited person most of the time. He is often having to snap me back.


I’ve been greatly backsliding in my diet and exercise routine. I love the Wii but it really hurts my feet and I’m always having to be so careful with my back. Until I lose about 100lbs and build up muscle around my lower back, I am limited with what I can do. I have no desire to spend another 3 days in the hospital and then 6-8 months in recuperation. Well there is a Water Aerobics class from 6:00 am – 6:45 am on Tuesdays & Thursdays. While this is before I start work, there isn’t enough time after the class for me to get changed and across town into work on time. Lately I’ve been feeling completely hopeless with my weight and when I look in the mirror I see “The Blob” – literally (much like this photo of Homer above.) So I’ve thought and thought about how to get around this problem and the only thing I can come up with is just doing the aerobics until 6:30 to 6:35. If I can get 30 minutes in, that is better than nothing at all.

I recognize that this is just another way that the Lord is chipping away my rough edges and get me on track. Thank the Lord for good friends at work and at home!!! Blessings to all of you!!

The Future...

I am more appreciative now than I was when I was younger. I've really been thinking over a lot of things, how I will apply this degree. Where I will finish it out.... all those sorts of questions. I want to rush ahead, start planning... That is my way. I don't know why but I can be very rigid about wanting a plan.

Perhaps that is why I have a hard time with patience in waiting on things! I never thought about that before but that would make a lot of sense. I honestly almost need a straight edge plan of attack, an ultimate goal in mind before I set out.

I am leaning towards two universities to finish my bachelors. Penn State & Portland State. I'm really leaning towards Portland State because the curriculum there and the additional certificates that you can earn on top of the bachelors really goes towards what I am looking forward to as an eventual career.

Okay here goes... You might think I am insane and crazy but I am really having a strong desire to try to get a position with the FBI once I'm completed. Not as an agent, mind you! I have no desire to get shot, stabbed, beat up, etc. as a career. That is not my idea of fun! I'm looking more at one of their analyst positions. Portland offers an additional certificate program (once you have your bachelors) in just this sort of training. All of my education, to get to a place where I will be able to do this, will take about six years. That would make me 39 years old, a good age and maturity to go into that sort of career. Reno will then be out of high school and most likely going to college.

My thoughts are really for the future. I'm getting older now and I cannot always live with my parents. I already grow restless. Not because we have conflicts or anything like that. We actually all live quite harmoniously together. I just know that one day I would like to have my own place, with a fenced in back yard for my babies... This is something I won't ever be able to have where I currently am. I once thought that if I was married it would be possible but if time has shown me anything, that is a possibility that might never happen. I can't sit around waiting on something that might never be.

So, this is what I am thinking. It would be a career that would keep me busy, support me & my darlings very well, and would still leave enough in my account to help others & come see my family whenever I want. Plus... I really think that it would be something that would be fun to do! Any good financial advisor will tell you, do what you love.

The Computer Zone...

Hello everyone! Sorry that it has been so long, I've been in something of a slump. I've been sucked into "The Computer Zone". Like the Twilight Zone, the Computer Zone takes you to another dimension of sight and sound. Strangely the world around you grows dim and all you can do is mindlessly look at one page after another. Until the moment that your eyes grow sore from staring at all the pages in mindless fascination. Every so often, I find myself going into that zone. Where I'm not really looking for anything in particular on the internet, I just zone out and stay on for hours doing nothing in particular. It is a trap, much like quicksand.

Today I spent many hours working on one little project after another, jamming out to my three new '80s CD's. It was actually quite fun as every aide that works with us out there was just as excited about the CD's as I was. I got quite the laugh when one of the older men started singing along at the copier and nodding his head in tune with the music. It was fun. Yet as I was watching these men, I began to think about the Lord and how He is the redeemer of all men.

I will admit that I am more often than not of the opinion that prisoners are almost hopeless to ever find salvation or to turn their lives around. I guess that comes from working in the system too long and seeing far too little change in these men. Yet there are times, such as what I wrote about previously, where true repentance is clear. I was contemplating that and wondering if these men even know that there is forgiveness if they just cry out to Jesus. Some of their crimes are horrendous. I'm bound to not disclose any of it but it can make a person jaded to know what man is capable of committing.

Many times, the decline in these men's lives begins with one bad choice. This then causes a domino effect that ultimately leads them to a place where they never thought they would be. I think of the song by Casting Crowns, Slow Fade:

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

One bad choice can lead a person down a dark and twisted path. Temptation can lead to all manner of destruction if we give into it. Yet there is still redemption. It is my hope that this message will reach these men.

The person I once was before my salvation... wow, what a despicable creature. I still look in the mirror and know the darkness in my own heart... It is amazing what Jesus can do. It honestly is amazing.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound...

Leprechauns and Lizards...

Okay, okay... This post has absolutely nothing to do with Leprechauns or Lizards. I just thought it would make a snazzy title and draw the attention of some wayfaring soul. A little melodrama to add a bit of spice to the blog.

Today I finally got back on track with my exercise and diet. Last night I went to bed at 8:30, just as I promised myself. I knew if I didn't go to sleep by 8:30 then there would be no way I could get up at 4:30 in the morning to exercise. My alarm clock always goes off at 4:30 but whether or not I actually pull myself (and I do mean pull!) out of bed at that time is another story entirely. Many times, I will slap the clock for another 30 minutes to an hour. It just kills me if I don't go to bed around 8:30 and makes my goal of 4:30 an almost impossibility.

Let me tell you too, I was tempted to stay up late like I always do. I'm not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination. In my perfect world I wouldn't have to get up prior to 8:30 in the morning and get to stay up until around midnight. That is the natural rhythm in my body. Alas, I have a morning job so... Here I am.

I was doing pretty good on my weight and eating for quite a while. I have several food allergies that had me rearranging what I eat. No more gluten products. No soy. No nuts. This cut out a large portion of fatty foods as that is what they are filled with. At Christmas time, we got the Wii Fit Plus as a family gift. It rocks. I love exercising to it. I would get off track at times but in terms of me personally and my history, I was doing pretty good.

Then it happened. The break up with my boyfriend. Even though we parted amicably, still on friendship terms (sort of... we don't talk really anymore) there was still a deep down hurt in me. I won't go into the details but it was all based upon my appearance. I quit counting my calories, would cheat and eat foods that made me sick, and even got to where I only exercised maybe four times a month. I put back on about ten pounds and my clothes started to get tight again.

I finally had enough this weekend. Instead of meeting my best friend Tawnya at McDonalds Sunday night (which I would have LOVED to do) I got in the shower and went to bed. I won't say that my night was a tranquil one. I was up innumerable times but you know what? When that alarm went off this morning, I got up and went upstairs to exercise. Today, I stayed away from any and all soda pop and watched what I ate.

It is a battle and one that I've fought all my life. Yet, with the Lord's help I will defeat this monster called gluttony.

That thing called love... and life!

I'm really, really tired tonight. I had a very hard time going to sleep last night. I was contemplating what the difference was between looking for something and watching for something. Yes... for those that know me very well I was contemplating that little thing called love. I often wonder if I ever will really be loved and in love. When I contemplate that, I cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like to be loved in that way.

I guess that is why I write the stories I do. It is a way for me to live vicariously through another's life and to experience that love... at least for a little while.

At 33 years old, I'm not looking for someone anymore. My best friend Tuesday told me the other day (strangely after I read the same thing in scripture) to "stop looking for that man... the longer you look the longer it will be before he arrives." I don't really consider myself "looking" though. I don't do the internet dating thing. Too many weirdos out there in the world. I don't "flutter" my eyelashes at the single guys at work. I don't go out of my way to go to places where singles are. So last night I was contemplating my reading and the things Tuesday told me about. Today I got on the web and looked up the definition of what "to look" and "to watch" means. Going by that definition, I am just watching. So I felt better knowing I'm obeying the Lord.

So last night when I finally got my mind to slow down... I put my headphones in my ears and listening to Toto's Africa song and let my mind drift off to far away places that I don't know if I'll ever get an opportunity to see. Just before I passed out I pulled the phones out of my ears, shut the MP3 player off and drifted off to sleep. Only to wake up about an hour later because my Jeremiah needed to go outside.

I had a message on my cellphone from facebook from an old friend. I read that, smiled a bit, then lay back down again. 4:30 am came all too soon, I must say. I slapped the alarm for almost an hour before I managed to drag myself out of bed, find my Maxwell House latte, and try to shake the haze off my mind.

Yet questions forever stay in my mind. Despite that, I have to say that I've found a strange sort of acceptance. Now is not the time to think on such things. I really have too much to do, such a getting prepared for college, trying to figure out what path the Lord is leading me down... I've only got two years to decide how far to take my education... and then maybe in some sweet by and by the words on the pages of my novels will turn into reality.

Good night my friends... Time to rest and listen to Africa once more.

Another Day in Paradise

Today was absolutely beautiful here in Southwest Iowa. It felt like an early fall day. When it is still a little warm but a nice cool breeze is in the air. Being inside the prison, without any windows, I had no idea how absolutely beautiful it was until I went out to my blazer at lunchtime to ditch my lunch bag. It was so beautiful that I stopped to talk with one of my friends at work, Dave Ferry.

Dave is a nut. I am not sure how old he is, somewhere around retirement age, but he has the funniest sense of humor. I get a lot of kicks when we eat lunch together. I think you have to have some sort of humor working in a prison. If you don't, then you ultimately will be a grouch and a complainer all the time. Trust me... I've seen it first hand. It is always nice having a light in that kind of a dark place.

It is hard to describe what working in a prison is like. The movies and television do not give it justice at all. Most of the men there are treated pretty good, really. It is almost surreal because you expect the stereotype of a criminal and when it comes down to it, they really aren't that much different than any other guy on the street. Not to say there aren't some that make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. These men are just sinners, like the rest of us. While we did not follow through on the darkness of our own hearts, they did. Or they made a bad choice. The other day they had to turn off the A/C due to a mandatory power conservation order. It was the last hour of my day and it was already getting hot in there. The next day, I was talking with one of the guys and I said, "Well I feel sorry for you guys. I had the option of choosing to leave at the end of the day and find some place cool. Y'all don't have that option." He gave me a slight smile that I could see had a lot of sadness in it before he headed to the door while saying, "We all had a choice at one time. We just made a wrong one." While most of the men behind those walls will never own up to their bad choices or change, there are always a few that do. It gives me encouragement when I see honest repentance in a person.

I decided to cancel my Prophecy Bible study on Friday this week. My best friend Tawnya won't be able to be there and I'd hate for her to miss anything as we're getting into some pretty heavy stuff that I felt she needed to be there for. BUT the ladies are all invited to come and fellowship that night. So we'll still have our time together to talk about the Lord. That will give me a little break in preparing the powerpoint and study.

Tomorrow will be the last day of my Roman's study at Calvary Baptist church. Since I'm starting school on the 30th, I thought I better cut back to only one study a week. Between working on my novels, working full-time, and giving the prophecy study on Friday's... my time will be very limited.

I don't think I ever mentioned where I go to church. I go to Hillside Missionary Church. We have a wonderful pastor there and the congregation is lovely. It is made up of the young and old, wealthy and poor. A nice mix of all people. There is a koinonia (greek word for love) that goes beyond the surface and straight into the Spirit. It is nice finally coming into a place of joy in the Lord.

An introduction...

My name is Sarah Lee Holmes. I'm 33 years old and live in Southwest Iowa. I work full-time at a prison in the education department as an office manager... (i.e. glorified secretary-ha). I am also a writer of Christian novels (one currently in print, two more soon to follow) and have also illustrated the Book of Revelation. I am a college student at Iowa Western Community College, majoring in Criminal Justice. I am single and have no children.

First in my life is my faith. I am a born-again Christian. For those that might not know what that term means exactly, it is the description Jesus Christ gave of those that have been born again in the Spirit. John 3:1-8 says, "There was a man named Nicodemus, a Jewish religious leader who was a Pharisee.After dark one evening, he came to speak with Jesus. “Rabbi,” he said, “we all know that God has sent you to teach us. Your miraculous signs are evidence that God is with you.”Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.” “What do you mean?” exclaimed Nicodemus. “How can an old man go back into his mother’s womb and be born again?” Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit. Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life. So don’t be surprised when I say, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you can’t explain how people are born of the Spirit.”

Being born-again more simply put means that I have given my life completely to Jesus Christ and accepted the free gift of salvation He paid so dearly for.

Next comes my family. I am the oldest of seven children. My natural father Lloyd, who is now deceased, had four children. One sister and three brothers. I was not raised by Lloyd and only met him once when I was 18 years old, the Christmas before my first attempt at college. My mom, Audrey, had three children (counting myself). I was raised with my brother Gainey, who is currently 30 but will be 31 in November. I have another brother, named Reno, who is 10 and was the shock of the family. Mom was not supposed to be able to have children due to a medical problem. Our Lord Jesus & God obviously had other plans! He's been a delight and I cannot imagine life without him. I cherish the time I spend with my mom, dad-Damien, and brother Reno on my days and hours off from work.

Third comes my friends. I have two best friends, named Tawnya & Tuesday. Tawnya is a person who will shoot from the hip and tell you exactly how it is without a qualm. I admire her for that because I will often hesitate from saying something, even if I think it really should be said. Tuesday has an amazing gift of discernment. She always knows what I am feeling and so it is impossible to keep my mask on when I am with her. Both of these ladies are awesome. I also have other close friends. There is Linda who lives just around the corner and is quickly becoming a dear friend. She has two daughters that are just beautiful! Linda has a smile that can brighten a room! It is always a joy to have her come over to fellowship and share candidly about life and love. My friends Tammy & Arlinda are like Mom's #2 & 3. In fact, Tuesday often refers to them as "The Moms" (my own included). I also have a BIG brother in the Lord named Charley. He is a Vietnam vet with a heart as big as Texas. He encourages and comforts me continually and I'm blessed to have him in my life. I have other friends, of course, at work and at church but these are the closest to me.

Fourth comes my "babies". I have two dachshunds name Jeremiah & Sadie. They also had a daughter, which is my mom's "baby" named Ariel. When I call the baby, I always say, "Come to Mamaw, baby." She is like my grandchild. Since I don't have children of my own, all my mothering instincts go into Jeremiah, Sadie & Ariel. I love those little critters deeply.

Although I live in Iowa, I consider myself a Texan. I was raised in West Texas. First in Odessa & Gardendale and later in Snyder. In my mind, I can still see that land as if I was looking right at it. I have a love for that place but my family is here and I honestly don't have any good reason to ever go back. I would be lonely if I did, even though I do still have friends in the area. In my heart of hearts, I love Texas and that land. When I remember my fondest memories, it is of my years in Gardendale. What a beautiful little community. The sunrises and sunsets are beyond description and the night sky is so big and so wide that you get "goosebumps" just from looking up at it.

If I could come up with single words that best describe me, I think these are those that I would use: sinner, saint, lover, fighter, dreamer, friend, honest, stubborn, and always changing!