Blessings and Rainbows...

Beautiful South West Iowa taken just outside Clarinda

I have been very busy the last couple of weeks.  On November 15th I began my new position as a Judicial Clerk at the courthouse.  I have to admit, the first few days I was thinking... "Wow, what have I got myself into now!"  Despite this, I have had a great amount of peace upon me since I started working here.  I can honestly almost see myself retiring from this position. BUT, I know that the Lord doesn't always go along with what WE think and I'm always open to what the Lord has for me.  Another thing that has been keeping me busy has been my college work.  I've not been giving it as much time as I should so the last several assignments have been midnight matinees for me!  The Lord has been gracious though and has seen me through some tough spots!!  Then there is our church's Christmas play: Christmas Came One Night.  Now that we are in the last couple of weeks (our play is next Friday-Sunday) rehearsals are on Mon, Tues & Thurs.  I absolutely LOVE the rehearsals and will definitely miss them when they're over but I am cramming everything right now.... so things have been hectic!!  This play has done some amazing things... Most of all, bringing me closer to my church family which is wonderful!!

The other day at work I was looking out the window as I was coming down the stairs from the second floor.  For years I have longed and longed to go back to Texas... or at least in that general area.  Yet in that moment, all that desire went away and I fell in love with Clarinda.  For the first time in my life, I felt as if I had finally found my home.  I love this beautiful little town.  I remember one man once describing downtown like the set from Back to the Future.  He's right, it is quaint like that and the courthouse does look like the clock tower in the movie.  Clarinda is the kind of place you want to raise a family.  Yes, it is very cold in the winter and it snows and snows and snows... However, all the other seasons are here in equality.  Yes it is cold but it is also hot in the summer, warm in the spring and cool in the fall.  The leaves fall down in a spectacular display of color as summer transitions to winter.  Then in the spring when everything begins to come alive again, there is a dazzling array of flowers.  In the summer, beautiful cannot even begin to describe this land.

Clarinda is just small enough to give you that "small town feeling" but also just big enough that you see new faces all the time.  In the summer, we have the Glenn Miller Festival.  They play swing music downtown at the square and have all kinds of exciting events during this period.  People from around the world come into this little town in Southwest Iowa just to partake in the festivities.

When I looked out that window the other day... I suddenly realized how blessed I have been to be in Clarinda and how this was my home!


Then you have my fellowship.  I have been around in churches.  I've seen everything under the sun, both in this community and others.  Yet this church was the first church I've been in where there was not just a few people filled with joy sprinkled about but the MAJORITY of the people are filled with the Joy of the Lord.  It was something I have been craving for a long time now.  That joy and I'm only just now beginning to have joy in my heart and life again.

I didn't realize it but I have been in the equivalent of a dark well for a very long time.  My own self-loathing was partially to blame.  I would stand in front of the mirror for a long period of time and criticize myself and how I looked.  I found myself to be some kind of hideous monster that would never and could never be loved by anyone but the Lord.  Hope was gone!  So... into an abyss I had plunged.

The Lord is so awesome.  I can attest to the fact that in those moments when I would curl up into a ball and just cry for long periods of time, He was right there with me- holding me in His strength.  It was those moments that I felt His presence the strongest when I was at my weakest.  Hating myself even as He poured out His love for me.  Oh what a beautiful and awesome God... friend... healer... comforter.  Words cannot even express what the Lord has come to mean to me with the passage of time.

Then about a month ago I'm sitting at church and my big brother in the Lord, Charley, leans forward from the pew behind me and gives me a big old bear hug and kissed the top of my head like father does their child.  He then told me, "Sis, you're wrong."  I was like... oh dear, now what have I done! ha.  He then said, "the other night you said 'if I ever get married' and I'm here to tell you that it is not an 'if' it is a when.  You need to go home, look at yourself in the mirror, and see yourself as I see you.  Ask the Lord to show you how He sees you.  You're beautiful, sis."  It pierced me.

So.... I did just that and the Lord... He showed me.  Not to be egotistical or anything but Charley is right.  I am beautiful.  For the first time in my life I believe it and you know what?  I've started seeing amazing changes in WHO I am as I am now crawling out of the well and into the light. I am confident and assured.  I do not feel as if I'm "putting on a show" for others to see a confident woman (as I've done for years) but instead, I honestly feel it.  I believe it and I know that one day... somehow, someway... even though it looks impossible because quite frankly there aren't any single CHRISTIAN men in my age bracket in the area that genuinely have a love for the Lord.... I know that despite all that that the Lord will bring that man from somewhere over the rainbow.

I know that the Lord will bring him here because He would not have put this love for Clarinda in my hard heart if this was not where He wanted me to be.  I don't know how or when or even how but I know that Jesus will do this very thing.  That He will fulfill the many promises that He has spoken forth to me through the Word, His servants, and even in visions and dreams.

Jesus bless you all my friends and if you too are struggling with what I have... cry out to the Lord to show you just how beautiful you are too.  My love to you all!

Cross in the Sky over Iowa