That thing called love... and life!

I'm really, really tired tonight. I had a very hard time going to sleep last night. I was contemplating what the difference was between looking for something and watching for something. Yes... for those that know me very well I was contemplating that little thing called love. I often wonder if I ever will really be loved and in love. When I contemplate that, I cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like to be loved in that way.

I guess that is why I write the stories I do. It is a way for me to live vicariously through another's life and to experience that love... at least for a little while.

At 33 years old, I'm not looking for someone anymore. My best friend Tuesday told me the other day (strangely after I read the same thing in scripture) to "stop looking for that man... the longer you look the longer it will be before he arrives." I don't really consider myself "looking" though. I don't do the internet dating thing. Too many weirdos out there in the world. I don't "flutter" my eyelashes at the single guys at work. I don't go out of my way to go to places where singles are. So last night I was contemplating my reading and the things Tuesday told me about. Today I got on the web and looked up the definition of what "to look" and "to watch" means. Going by that definition, I am just watching. So I felt better knowing I'm obeying the Lord.

So last night when I finally got my mind to slow down... I put my headphones in my ears and listening to Toto's Africa song and let my mind drift off to far away places that I don't know if I'll ever get an opportunity to see. Just before I passed out I pulled the phones out of my ears, shut the MP3 player off and drifted off to sleep. Only to wake up about an hour later because my Jeremiah needed to go outside.

I had a message on my cellphone from facebook from an old friend. I read that, smiled a bit, then lay back down again. 4:30 am came all too soon, I must say. I slapped the alarm for almost an hour before I managed to drag myself out of bed, find my Maxwell House latte, and try to shake the haze off my mind.

Yet questions forever stay in my mind. Despite that, I have to say that I've found a strange sort of acceptance. Now is not the time to think on such things. I really have too much to do, such a getting prepared for college, trying to figure out what path the Lord is leading me down... I've only got two years to decide how far to take my education... and then maybe in some sweet by and by the words on the pages of my novels will turn into reality.

Good night my friends... Time to rest and listen to Africa once more.