The Black Plague...

There has been a new monster in the house... sickness. If there is anything that annoys me more than anything else is getting sick, especially on a beautiful weekend!! I have been sick since Friday with the local bug that has taken out my best friend Tawnya & her two kids, my big brother in the Lord Charley, as well as my neighbor, Cindy. I'm sure there are others in the Clarinda area that have had it recently as well. I dislike being sick. There is just too much to do! I thought I would try to read my class assignments but my brain just wouldn't focus on it. I did get my Intro to Forensic Science quiz done but I have yet to sit down and get the post that is due tomorrow finished. I just haven't been able to concentrate. I am thankful for all the prayers I have received. I feel much better today than I have the last couple of days. I'm still dizzy, running a fever, among other things but it is much improved over yesterday and the days prior.  I'd write more but I'm really starting to wane thin again. Perhaps I can write more tonight. My love to all.

The Blob

Okay, okay… I know I haven’t been faithful in posting on this blog. Recently, my co-worker Marvis reminded me that it had been more than a week since I had posted my last entry. Marvis is a sweet lady and when you meet her, it would be hard to imagine that she works at a prison. One thing, though, she doesn’t let those guys that are in her class buffalo her. She might be sweet & gentle but she is tough when she needs to be.

Back to why I haven’t been writing on here. I honestly just haven’t had the time to sit down and do it. My world has become consumed with my college classes. Every spare moment has gone towards that, much to the consternation of my brother Reno. It seems I’m on the computer even more now than I ever was before. Yet… This has been an awesome experience so far! I’m finding that I thirst and love the knowledge I am receiving. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have got on the class page and been disappointed because there was nothing new to comment on!

I’ve been having a few problems with one of my instructors but by the whole, I have been really enjoying the class. It is challenging me. That is something that I have definitely been missing. My life had become mundane and repetitive. Nothing really “moved” me. This is making me focus and become more honed. Even my thinking has become sharper and clearer. It is almost like waking up from a long sleep. I absolutely love the subject materials as well. Of course, it seems like I’ve always been drawn to the legal system and “cop” shows.

When I sit down and consider why that is, I can only conclude it was because there wasn’t much “justice” done in my growing years. My mom was married to a man for sixteen years that for every intent and purpose was a criminal that never got caught.Through the years, I watched as he conned one person after another out of their money, including my grandmother. He used whomever he could to attain what he wanted, including us. I won’t even go into all the illegal activities he was involved in before he married my mother. He was an ex-Vietnam veteran that had gone overseas a clean-cut, good ol’ cowboy to return as a lunatic out for himself with a chip the size of Texas on his shoulder. He was extremely intelligent (brilliant really – his son, my brother, inherited that) but also cunning & brutal. He was highly abusive to my mother and mentally tortured all of us. It was like living in a glittery portion of hell growing up. To the outside world, we appeared to have everything. Money. Power. Anything we could we wanted, we got (except sanity.) What was not seen was the madness inside.

When I was saved, I was able to finally forgive him for everything he did. I even wrote him a letter once telling him that very thing. I also thanked him. While it was insane in that house, I did gain a whole lot of good things from the experience. First, I am 10 times smarter than I would have been had he not been an influence in my life. The fact of the matter is that if you didn’t run on 100% capacity with him, you were going to be eaten alive! Second, he was a great man of culture. He was always taking us to one museum, play, ballet, or other thing after another. We went all over Texas & Oklahoma for this event or that event. Third, I got to see more of the USA than a lot of people. Every spring & summer we would go to Galveston and/or Corpus Christi. It is here that I earned my love for the ocean. Fourth, I gained a great awareness of motives & observation. This has been a great asset since working in the prison system. It helps to understand what goes through the criminal mind. Fifth, I learned survival skills. If things go south, I know what I need to know to survive. Finally, sixth, I gained a great desire to see justice fulfilled.

The sixth reason is why I believe that I have always been drawn to the criminal field.It is my desire that justice be served. The reality is that justice is not always served.I do my part to add to that but with the fall of man and all our fallacies, injustice is just as much a part of living as justice. I can recognize that ultimately that it is God that measures out justice. If I was not to see that perspective, I could quickly become depressed by all the injustice that I see in the prison alone. Men that should have longer sentences are out in a matter of years while others that make one bad choice (and are not likely to ever repeat them again) are in here for hideously long sentences. It could make a person crazy. I have to wonder how those that do not have Christ within them and guiding them make it through the day without succumbing to depression.

Thank the Lord that in the end, He is in control of it all.

I can tell that the Lord is working in my life again. Humbling me further. I need that. I can be a very arrogant and conceited person most of the time. He is often having to snap me back.


I’ve been greatly backsliding in my diet and exercise routine. I love the Wii but it really hurts my feet and I’m always having to be so careful with my back. Until I lose about 100lbs and build up muscle around my lower back, I am limited with what I can do. I have no desire to spend another 3 days in the hospital and then 6-8 months in recuperation. Well there is a Water Aerobics class from 6:00 am – 6:45 am on Tuesdays & Thursdays. While this is before I start work, there isn’t enough time after the class for me to get changed and across town into work on time. Lately I’ve been feeling completely hopeless with my weight and when I look in the mirror I see “The Blob” – literally (much like this photo of Homer above.) So I’ve thought and thought about how to get around this problem and the only thing I can come up with is just doing the aerobics until 6:30 to 6:35. If I can get 30 minutes in, that is better than nothing at all.

I recognize that this is just another way that the Lord is chipping away my rough edges and get me on track. Thank the Lord for good friends at work and at home!!! Blessings to all of you!!

The Future...

I am more appreciative now than I was when I was younger. I've really been thinking over a lot of things, how I will apply this degree. Where I will finish it out.... all those sorts of questions. I want to rush ahead, start planning... That is my way. I don't know why but I can be very rigid about wanting a plan.

Perhaps that is why I have a hard time with patience in waiting on things! I never thought about that before but that would make a lot of sense. I honestly almost need a straight edge plan of attack, an ultimate goal in mind before I set out.

I am leaning towards two universities to finish my bachelors. Penn State & Portland State. I'm really leaning towards Portland State because the curriculum there and the additional certificates that you can earn on top of the bachelors really goes towards what I am looking forward to as an eventual career.

Okay here goes... You might think I am insane and crazy but I am really having a strong desire to try to get a position with the FBI once I'm completed. Not as an agent, mind you! I have no desire to get shot, stabbed, beat up, etc. as a career. That is not my idea of fun! I'm looking more at one of their analyst positions. Portland offers an additional certificate program (once you have your bachelors) in just this sort of training. All of my education, to get to a place where I will be able to do this, will take about six years. That would make me 39 years old, a good age and maturity to go into that sort of career. Reno will then be out of high school and most likely going to college.

My thoughts are really for the future. I'm getting older now and I cannot always live with my parents. I already grow restless. Not because we have conflicts or anything like that. We actually all live quite harmoniously together. I just know that one day I would like to have my own place, with a fenced in back yard for my babies... This is something I won't ever be able to have where I currently am. I once thought that if I was married it would be possible but if time has shown me anything, that is a possibility that might never happen. I can't sit around waiting on something that might never be.

So, this is what I am thinking. It would be a career that would keep me busy, support me & my darlings very well, and would still leave enough in my account to help others & come see my family whenever I want. Plus... I really think that it would be something that would be fun to do! Any good financial advisor will tell you, do what you love.

The Computer Zone...

Hello everyone! Sorry that it has been so long, I've been in something of a slump. I've been sucked into "The Computer Zone". Like the Twilight Zone, the Computer Zone takes you to another dimension of sight and sound. Strangely the world around you grows dim and all you can do is mindlessly look at one page after another. Until the moment that your eyes grow sore from staring at all the pages in mindless fascination. Every so often, I find myself going into that zone. Where I'm not really looking for anything in particular on the internet, I just zone out and stay on for hours doing nothing in particular. It is a trap, much like quicksand.

Today I spent many hours working on one little project after another, jamming out to my three new '80s CD's. It was actually quite fun as every aide that works with us out there was just as excited about the CD's as I was. I got quite the laugh when one of the older men started singing along at the copier and nodding his head in tune with the music. It was fun. Yet as I was watching these men, I began to think about the Lord and how He is the redeemer of all men.

I will admit that I am more often than not of the opinion that prisoners are almost hopeless to ever find salvation or to turn their lives around. I guess that comes from working in the system too long and seeing far too little change in these men. Yet there are times, such as what I wrote about previously, where true repentance is clear. I was contemplating that and wondering if these men even know that there is forgiveness if they just cry out to Jesus. Some of their crimes are horrendous. I'm bound to not disclose any of it but it can make a person jaded to know what man is capable of committing.

Many times, the decline in these men's lives begins with one bad choice. This then causes a domino effect that ultimately leads them to a place where they never thought they would be. I think of the song by Casting Crowns, Slow Fade:

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

One bad choice can lead a person down a dark and twisted path. Temptation can lead to all manner of destruction if we give into it. Yet there is still redemption. It is my hope that this message will reach these men.

The person I once was before my salvation... wow, what a despicable creature. I still look in the mirror and know the darkness in my own heart... It is amazing what Jesus can do. It honestly is amazing.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound...

Leprechauns and Lizards...

Okay, okay... This post has absolutely nothing to do with Leprechauns or Lizards. I just thought it would make a snazzy title and draw the attention of some wayfaring soul. A little melodrama to add a bit of spice to the blog.

Today I finally got back on track with my exercise and diet. Last night I went to bed at 8:30, just as I promised myself. I knew if I didn't go to sleep by 8:30 then there would be no way I could get up at 4:30 in the morning to exercise. My alarm clock always goes off at 4:30 but whether or not I actually pull myself (and I do mean pull!) out of bed at that time is another story entirely. Many times, I will slap the clock for another 30 minutes to an hour. It just kills me if I don't go to bed around 8:30 and makes my goal of 4:30 an almost impossibility.

Let me tell you too, I was tempted to stay up late like I always do. I'm not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination. In my perfect world I wouldn't have to get up prior to 8:30 in the morning and get to stay up until around midnight. That is the natural rhythm in my body. Alas, I have a morning job so... Here I am.

I was doing pretty good on my weight and eating for quite a while. I have several food allergies that had me rearranging what I eat. No more gluten products. No soy. No nuts. This cut out a large portion of fatty foods as that is what they are filled with. At Christmas time, we got the Wii Fit Plus as a family gift. It rocks. I love exercising to it. I would get off track at times but in terms of me personally and my history, I was doing pretty good.

Then it happened. The break up with my boyfriend. Even though we parted amicably, still on friendship terms (sort of... we don't talk really anymore) there was still a deep down hurt in me. I won't go into the details but it was all based upon my appearance. I quit counting my calories, would cheat and eat foods that made me sick, and even got to where I only exercised maybe four times a month. I put back on about ten pounds and my clothes started to get tight again.

I finally had enough this weekend. Instead of meeting my best friend Tawnya at McDonalds Sunday night (which I would have LOVED to do) I got in the shower and went to bed. I won't say that my night was a tranquil one. I was up innumerable times but you know what? When that alarm went off this morning, I got up and went upstairs to exercise. Today, I stayed away from any and all soda pop and watched what I ate.

It is a battle and one that I've fought all my life. Yet, with the Lord's help I will defeat this monster called gluttony.

That thing called love... and life!

I'm really, really tired tonight. I had a very hard time going to sleep last night. I was contemplating what the difference was between looking for something and watching for something. Yes... for those that know me very well I was contemplating that little thing called love. I often wonder if I ever will really be loved and in love. When I contemplate that, I cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like to be loved in that way.

I guess that is why I write the stories I do. It is a way for me to live vicariously through another's life and to experience that love... at least for a little while.

At 33 years old, I'm not looking for someone anymore. My best friend Tuesday told me the other day (strangely after I read the same thing in scripture) to "stop looking for that man... the longer you look the longer it will be before he arrives." I don't really consider myself "looking" though. I don't do the internet dating thing. Too many weirdos out there in the world. I don't "flutter" my eyelashes at the single guys at work. I don't go out of my way to go to places where singles are. So last night I was contemplating my reading and the things Tuesday told me about. Today I got on the web and looked up the definition of what "to look" and "to watch" means. Going by that definition, I am just watching. So I felt better knowing I'm obeying the Lord.

So last night when I finally got my mind to slow down... I put my headphones in my ears and listening to Toto's Africa song and let my mind drift off to far away places that I don't know if I'll ever get an opportunity to see. Just before I passed out I pulled the phones out of my ears, shut the MP3 player off and drifted off to sleep. Only to wake up about an hour later because my Jeremiah needed to go outside.

I had a message on my cellphone from facebook from an old friend. I read that, smiled a bit, then lay back down again. 4:30 am came all too soon, I must say. I slapped the alarm for almost an hour before I managed to drag myself out of bed, find my Maxwell House latte, and try to shake the haze off my mind.

Yet questions forever stay in my mind. Despite that, I have to say that I've found a strange sort of acceptance. Now is not the time to think on such things. I really have too much to do, such a getting prepared for college, trying to figure out what path the Lord is leading me down... I've only got two years to decide how far to take my education... and then maybe in some sweet by and by the words on the pages of my novels will turn into reality.

Good night my friends... Time to rest and listen to Africa once more.

Another Day in Paradise

Today was absolutely beautiful here in Southwest Iowa. It felt like an early fall day. When it is still a little warm but a nice cool breeze is in the air. Being inside the prison, without any windows, I had no idea how absolutely beautiful it was until I went out to my blazer at lunchtime to ditch my lunch bag. It was so beautiful that I stopped to talk with one of my friends at work, Dave Ferry.

Dave is a nut. I am not sure how old he is, somewhere around retirement age, but he has the funniest sense of humor. I get a lot of kicks when we eat lunch together. I think you have to have some sort of humor working in a prison. If you don't, then you ultimately will be a grouch and a complainer all the time. Trust me... I've seen it first hand. It is always nice having a light in that kind of a dark place.

It is hard to describe what working in a prison is like. The movies and television do not give it justice at all. Most of the men there are treated pretty good, really. It is almost surreal because you expect the stereotype of a criminal and when it comes down to it, they really aren't that much different than any other guy on the street. Not to say there aren't some that make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. These men are just sinners, like the rest of us. While we did not follow through on the darkness of our own hearts, they did. Or they made a bad choice. The other day they had to turn off the A/C due to a mandatory power conservation order. It was the last hour of my day and it was already getting hot in there. The next day, I was talking with one of the guys and I said, "Well I feel sorry for you guys. I had the option of choosing to leave at the end of the day and find some place cool. Y'all don't have that option." He gave me a slight smile that I could see had a lot of sadness in it before he headed to the door while saying, "We all had a choice at one time. We just made a wrong one." While most of the men behind those walls will never own up to their bad choices or change, there are always a few that do. It gives me encouragement when I see honest repentance in a person.

I decided to cancel my Prophecy Bible study on Friday this week. My best friend Tawnya won't be able to be there and I'd hate for her to miss anything as we're getting into some pretty heavy stuff that I felt she needed to be there for. BUT the ladies are all invited to come and fellowship that night. So we'll still have our time together to talk about the Lord. That will give me a little break in preparing the powerpoint and study.

Tomorrow will be the last day of my Roman's study at Calvary Baptist church. Since I'm starting school on the 30th, I thought I better cut back to only one study a week. Between working on my novels, working full-time, and giving the prophecy study on Friday's... my time will be very limited.

I don't think I ever mentioned where I go to church. I go to Hillside Missionary Church. We have a wonderful pastor there and the congregation is lovely. It is made up of the young and old, wealthy and poor. A nice mix of all people. There is a koinonia (greek word for love) that goes beyond the surface and straight into the Spirit. It is nice finally coming into a place of joy in the Lord.

An introduction...

My name is Sarah Lee Holmes. I'm 33 years old and live in Southwest Iowa. I work full-time at a prison in the education department as an office manager... (i.e. glorified secretary-ha). I am also a writer of Christian novels (one currently in print, two more soon to follow) and have also illustrated the Book of Revelation. I am a college student at Iowa Western Community College, majoring in Criminal Justice. I am single and have no children.

First in my life is my faith. I am a born-again Christian. For those that might not know what that term means exactly, it is the description Jesus Christ gave of those that have been born again in the Spirit. John 3:1-8 says, "There was a man named Nicodemus, a Jewish religious leader who was a Pharisee.After dark one evening, he came to speak with Jesus. “Rabbi,” he said, “we all know that God has sent you to teach us. Your miraculous signs are evidence that God is with you.”Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.” “What do you mean?” exclaimed Nicodemus. “How can an old man go back into his mother’s womb and be born again?” Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit. Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life. So don’t be surprised when I say, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you can’t explain how people are born of the Spirit.”

Being born-again more simply put means that I have given my life completely to Jesus Christ and accepted the free gift of salvation He paid so dearly for.

Next comes my family. I am the oldest of seven children. My natural father Lloyd, who is now deceased, had four children. One sister and three brothers. I was not raised by Lloyd and only met him once when I was 18 years old, the Christmas before my first attempt at college. My mom, Audrey, had three children (counting myself). I was raised with my brother Gainey, who is currently 30 but will be 31 in November. I have another brother, named Reno, who is 10 and was the shock of the family. Mom was not supposed to be able to have children due to a medical problem. Our Lord Jesus & God obviously had other plans! He's been a delight and I cannot imagine life without him. I cherish the time I spend with my mom, dad-Damien, and brother Reno on my days and hours off from work.

Third comes my friends. I have two best friends, named Tawnya & Tuesday. Tawnya is a person who will shoot from the hip and tell you exactly how it is without a qualm. I admire her for that because I will often hesitate from saying something, even if I think it really should be said. Tuesday has an amazing gift of discernment. She always knows what I am feeling and so it is impossible to keep my mask on when I am with her. Both of these ladies are awesome. I also have other close friends. There is Linda who lives just around the corner and is quickly becoming a dear friend. She has two daughters that are just beautiful! Linda has a smile that can brighten a room! It is always a joy to have her come over to fellowship and share candidly about life and love. My friends Tammy & Arlinda are like Mom's #2 & 3. In fact, Tuesday often refers to them as "The Moms" (my own included). I also have a BIG brother in the Lord named Charley. He is a Vietnam vet with a heart as big as Texas. He encourages and comforts me continually and I'm blessed to have him in my life. I have other friends, of course, at work and at church but these are the closest to me.

Fourth comes my "babies". I have two dachshunds name Jeremiah & Sadie. They also had a daughter, which is my mom's "baby" named Ariel. When I call the baby, I always say, "Come to Mamaw, baby." She is like my grandchild. Since I don't have children of my own, all my mothering instincts go into Jeremiah, Sadie & Ariel. I love those little critters deeply.

Although I live in Iowa, I consider myself a Texan. I was raised in West Texas. First in Odessa & Gardendale and later in Snyder. In my mind, I can still see that land as if I was looking right at it. I have a love for that place but my family is here and I honestly don't have any good reason to ever go back. I would be lonely if I did, even though I do still have friends in the area. In my heart of hearts, I love Texas and that land. When I remember my fondest memories, it is of my years in Gardendale. What a beautiful little community. The sunrises and sunsets are beyond description and the night sky is so big and so wide that you get "goosebumps" just from looking up at it.

If I could come up with single words that best describe me, I think these are those that I would use: sinner, saint, lover, fighter, dreamer, friend, honest, stubborn, and always changing!