Take My Breath Away...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!  As I write this note, I'm listening to one of my new CD's that my Mom & Dad got me for Christmas called: 80s Party Hits.  The song that is playing is one of my all time favorites but it is funny... I hadn't thought about it in a long time.  It's called Take My Breath Away by Berlin.  I'm a sucker for love songs... especially 80s love songs.  My mind will often take flight and from that, a story will emerge that I will eventually attempt to put into print.  The funny thing is that my mind isn't going to an imaginary story today as I listen. It is different somehow.  I thought, well that's interesting.  So I went and found the lyrics online.  They are:

Watching every motion
In my foolish lover's game
On this endless ocean
Finally lovers know no shame
Turning and returning
To some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion
As you turn around and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Watching I keep waiting
Still anticipating love
Never hesitating
To become the fated ones
Turning and returning
To some secret place to hide
Watching in slow motion
As you turn to me and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Through the hourglass I saw you
In time you slipped away
When the mirror crashed I called you
And turned to hear you say
If only for today
I am unafraid

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

Watching every motion
In this foolish lover's game
Haunted by the notion
Somewhere there's a love in flames
Turning and returning
To some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion
As you turn my way and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away 

This has been a different sort of Christmas it seems.  Everyone seems so much more joyful.  People's minds and hearts seem to not be so self-centered (with a few notable exceptions - you can't escape the Bah Humbugers of the world).  It seems that more and more people are turning towards the true meaning of Christmas.  Something that I noted is that those that are the most like Ebeneezer Scrooge are also the ones that display signs of inner anger and turmoil with the world at large.  Yet the vast majority I have seen are embracing this season like none before.  I thought it was interesting that Halloween this year wasn't as "pumped up" as previous years yet Christmas this year seems to be meaning so much more to so many people.  It is heart warming to say the least.

Another thing that has really touched my heart is one of my oldest friends, Kari.  She has changed so much and so quickly!  I can remember a time when she didn't want me to say anything about Jesus.  Yet now, she is definitely in love with Jesus and her postings on Facebook are so Spirit filled that I almost cry to see the beautiful transformation.  God has answered my prayers in her and it has done something very special for me.  My heart is overflowed!

The Lord has been doing a lot of amazing things for me this Christmas season.  Most Christmas seasons, the focus for me is Reno.  Getting him this and that (dropping a fortune usually - I'm weak where he's concerned). Yet this year, I bought his gift in August and didn't even think about him again.  My heart was centered on my beautiful Mother.  I know that I haven't done enough for her through the years.  It grieves my heart to know that I've been rather self-centered where she is concerned.  I've taken for granted that she'll always be there.  Maybe we all do with our parents to some degree.  Perhaps it is because I'm getting older... I'll be 34 in March... that I really had a heaviness on my heart to make my mom feel like the royalty that she is!  The first thing I found was a beautiful crocodile purse from New York.  She's been needing a decent purse for years. What she has been using just hasn't been practical.  I was blessed that we have a store here in town with a lady that flies out to New York and procures purses & jewelry from New York.  When I went in there and seen this brown, crocodile purse... I knew it was the right one.  Yet not even an hour later, the thought of a stuffed tiger came into my my so strong that I E-bayed through my phone to see if there even was one.

When my mom was little, her big brother Joe & his wife Sue, bought her a stuffed Tiger for Christmas.  My Mom had this tiger all through my adolescence and even years beyond.  She loved that tiger, even though it was falling apart.  She loved it so much that she thought she had come to love it too much.  So she did the hardest thing ever, she threw it away.  It hurt her deeply to do it but she did it out of the love of Jesus.  Well about a month ago, we were watching Toy Story 3 and she said at one point, "Oh my Tiger."  I know this might sound silly but I went through sort of the same thing last year over a Pegasus that I had as a child. I found it on E-bay and that was my gift from my parents last year.  Well the reminder of her desire to have her tiger came back upon me and would not go away.  I searched for 1950's tigers & 1960's tigers on E-bay with no luck at all.  Then as if someone (the Holy Spirit obviously) whispered into my ear as I was sitting at the computer at home the words "Vintage Tiger" went through my mind.  I typed that into E-bay and the only tiger that popped up was an EXACT tiger to the one she had.  God made the ultimate arrangement.  I put in my max amount and submitted the bid.  NO ONE ELSE BID ON THAT TIGER!!  Not only that, I paid on a Saturday for the Tiger, they shipped it this last Monday and it was here on Wednesday!! Just in time for Christmas!!  It was a Christmas Miracle!!

When Mom opened that present today with the Tiger sitting inside the purse, she started crying like I haven't seen her cry in many, many years.  She held onto that tiger in a death grip and cried. It meant so very much to her and I know that she will always cherish and love that gift.  The gift that our Lord Jesus gave her.  I was just the instrument.  It was like a redeeming moment.  He was telling her, you loved me over your possession and now I am giving it back to you as a love gift.  How awesome and wonderful our Lord is!  I honestly feel like crying myself with the joy of it all and I'm something of a "tough one" when it comes to crying! ha.

I did have some melancholy this season as another year has gone by without having a family of my own but the Lord has been good and He soothed my heart.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing something He's telling me but the only definitive thing He has told me over and over and over again is WAIT.  So... I wait.  What more can I do?  I have to follow what He says not what my flesh would say.

So those are my thoughts.  New Years Eve is coming up and we're going to have a large celebration here at our house.  That should be fun.  So in case I do not get another chance to say this before then, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  2011 come on down!!!

Blessings and Rainbows...

Beautiful South West Iowa taken just outside Clarinda

I have been very busy the last couple of weeks.  On November 15th I began my new position as a Judicial Clerk at the courthouse.  I have to admit, the first few days I was thinking... "Wow, what have I got myself into now!"  Despite this, I have had a great amount of peace upon me since I started working here.  I can honestly almost see myself retiring from this position. BUT, I know that the Lord doesn't always go along with what WE think and I'm always open to what the Lord has for me.  Another thing that has been keeping me busy has been my college work.  I've not been giving it as much time as I should so the last several assignments have been midnight matinees for me!  The Lord has been gracious though and has seen me through some tough spots!!  Then there is our church's Christmas play: Christmas Came One Night.  Now that we are in the last couple of weeks (our play is next Friday-Sunday) rehearsals are on Mon, Tues & Thurs.  I absolutely LOVE the rehearsals and will definitely miss them when they're over but I am cramming everything right now.... so things have been hectic!!  This play has done some amazing things... Most of all, bringing me closer to my church family which is wonderful!!

The other day at work I was looking out the window as I was coming down the stairs from the second floor.  For years I have longed and longed to go back to Texas... or at least in that general area.  Yet in that moment, all that desire went away and I fell in love with Clarinda.  For the first time in my life, I felt as if I had finally found my home.  I love this beautiful little town.  I remember one man once describing downtown like the set from Back to the Future.  He's right, it is quaint like that and the courthouse does look like the clock tower in the movie.  Clarinda is the kind of place you want to raise a family.  Yes, it is very cold in the winter and it snows and snows and snows... However, all the other seasons are here in equality.  Yes it is cold but it is also hot in the summer, warm in the spring and cool in the fall.  The leaves fall down in a spectacular display of color as summer transitions to winter.  Then in the spring when everything begins to come alive again, there is a dazzling array of flowers.  In the summer, beautiful cannot even begin to describe this land.

Clarinda is just small enough to give you that "small town feeling" but also just big enough that you see new faces all the time.  In the summer, we have the Glenn Miller Festival.  They play swing music downtown at the square and have all kinds of exciting events during this period.  People from around the world come into this little town in Southwest Iowa just to partake in the festivities.

When I looked out that window the other day... I suddenly realized how blessed I have been to be in Clarinda and how this was my home!


Then you have my fellowship.  I have been around in churches.  I've seen everything under the sun, both in this community and others.  Yet this church was the first church I've been in where there was not just a few people filled with joy sprinkled about but the MAJORITY of the people are filled with the Joy of the Lord.  It was something I have been craving for a long time now.  That joy and I'm only just now beginning to have joy in my heart and life again.

I didn't realize it but I have been in the equivalent of a dark well for a very long time.  My own self-loathing was partially to blame.  I would stand in front of the mirror for a long period of time and criticize myself and how I looked.  I found myself to be some kind of hideous monster that would never and could never be loved by anyone but the Lord.  Hope was gone!  So... into an abyss I had plunged.

The Lord is so awesome.  I can attest to the fact that in those moments when I would curl up into a ball and just cry for long periods of time, He was right there with me- holding me in His strength.  It was those moments that I felt His presence the strongest when I was at my weakest.  Hating myself even as He poured out His love for me.  Oh what a beautiful and awesome God... friend... healer... comforter.  Words cannot even express what the Lord has come to mean to me with the passage of time.

Then about a month ago I'm sitting at church and my big brother in the Lord, Charley, leans forward from the pew behind me and gives me a big old bear hug and kissed the top of my head like father does their child.  He then told me, "Sis, you're wrong."  I was like... oh dear, now what have I done! ha.  He then said, "the other night you said 'if I ever get married' and I'm here to tell you that it is not an 'if' it is a when.  You need to go home, look at yourself in the mirror, and see yourself as I see you.  Ask the Lord to show you how He sees you.  You're beautiful, sis."  It pierced me.

So.... I did just that and the Lord... He showed me.  Not to be egotistical or anything but Charley is right.  I am beautiful.  For the first time in my life I believe it and you know what?  I've started seeing amazing changes in WHO I am as I am now crawling out of the well and into the light. I am confident and assured.  I do not feel as if I'm "putting on a show" for others to see a confident woman (as I've done for years) but instead, I honestly feel it.  I believe it and I know that one day... somehow, someway... even though it looks impossible because quite frankly there aren't any single CHRISTIAN men in my age bracket in the area that genuinely have a love for the Lord.... I know that despite all that that the Lord will bring that man from somewhere over the rainbow.

I know that the Lord will bring him here because He would not have put this love for Clarinda in my hard heart if this was not where He wanted me to be.  I don't know how or when or even how but I know that Jesus will do this very thing.  That He will fulfill the many promises that He has spoken forth to me through the Word, His servants, and even in visions and dreams.

Jesus bless you all my friends and if you too are struggling with what I have... cry out to the Lord to show you just how beautiful you are too.  My love to you all!

Cross in the Sky over Iowa